August 14, 2008 | Mommy life

I am trying to learn one thing as I grow older. Yes, even I attempt to grasp higher truths, and these are not tips to be a better cook or crafty mom because they are impossible tasks for my incapable hands, but notions that I really have no control over most things that happen in my life. I am a passenger, ok a backseat-driver kind of passenger, but a passenger nonetheless.

On some level I know this from clear empirical data, no matter how much I plan things they always unfold in different ways, but on another level I resist it. My weak and faulty nature tries to convince me that I am really the boss, so I keep trying to exercise some type of control over my life, much like I try to exercise some type of control over my frizzy hair with very poor results on both accounts.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when this weekend my frizz reached uncontrollable levels and my husband woke up with a ‘ginormous’ swelling on his back. His ribs were significantly pushed back in some sort of hunch. I cheered him up by telling him that he could audition for a Broadway production of Hunchback of Notre Dame and told him to immediately go to the Emergency Room. But he, being a man, rejected both suggestions and told me that it was probably a pulled muscle or something — of course he didn’t elaborate on the something — and instead insisted that we go on about ‘our plans’ of getting to church to meet some friends.

While in the car, he got violently ill and we rushed to the E.R while he turned a dark shade of blue. After a few hours of waiting and tests, we were told that he was very sick indeed, thus his blue coloring and hunched back, and that he has a very large infection in his stomach, perhaps related to his burst appendix and numerous complications from two years ago, and that that they were going to do surgery in the next few days.

For someone like me, who likes to be in charge it’s not easy to deal with change that doesn’t originate from my busy mind and come to terms with the truth that I have no control over this situation, especially when I see my husband sick and in pain – he is now a light shade of blue. I alternate between telling myself that everything happens for a reason and feeling frustrated and exhausted – I still have my six little children to focus on while I go back and forth between hospital, home, and their various activities.

But, things could be much worse. So every morning when I wake up, I have tried to accept my frizzy hair and our present circumstances the best way I can. I try to remember that I have to enjoy this ride with frizzy hair and hospital stays because I am not the one in control and hopefully I can find peace to face whatever comes next.

August 7, 2008 | Mommy life, pregnancy

I am not a show-your-boob-while-you-breastfeed type of mom. But I respect anyone’s personal style, full view, partial view or no view at all. The way a mom decides to breastfeed her child is her own business and not mine to judge.

This said, I was extremely surprised when, while discretely breastfeeding my daughter at the mall, a military man, dressed in uniform, told me that what I was doing was appalling and shouldn’t be done in public. Luckily (for him) he spoke quickly and walked away just as fast, but I couldn’t believe a man would go out of his way to tell me something like this when, despite my Italian heritage in which seeing naked breasts and tight buns on the evening news is expected, I choose a more conservative approach to nursing my children.

I have mastered a perfect technique for breastfeeding in public, greatly encouraged by my Ninja husband who wouldn’t take well to a public display of nipples. If I’m in a public place, I sit in an out of the way spot, adjust my cotton blanket over my shoulder and the baby, and then latch her on with nothing visible to the outside world, unless someone has x-ray goggles. How can I be sure? Because of my slightly obsessive-compulsive nature, I have checked over and over in front of a mirror, standing, sitting and walking around: nope, not a hint of a boob.

I think this really shouldn’t matter though. The way a woman nurses her child is her right and no one else’s business. Did the prude who disapproved of me at the mall go over the Victoria’s Secret and tell them to cover up the mannequins? Probably not, so how is that consistent?

Despite the fact that I feel strongly about my “breastfeeding rights” (and just because I used the term, I am not a militant breast Nazi) I didn’t have a good come back for this rude man. I just kept feeding the baby and clutched my blanket even tighter. Practically speaking, I couldn’t have run after this man with the baby attached to my boob, but I wish I had said something.

Truthfully I just felt badly and very uneasy about this little incident.

When I got home I was curious to know the actual laws about breastfeeding, so I looked them up. In nearly every state, breastfeeding is specifically allowed in public – full or no view – so no one should be harassed or asked to leave a public place. There are even organizations that advocate on behalf of women who have been harassed about breastfeeding. Firstright.org and Naab.com are two examples. Their approach is more along the “be proud of those nipples!” type, but they make very good points.

I like to know my rights and will probably never go to the full-view style, but I believe that no one should be a jerk to a breastfeeding mom. Breastfeeding is a woman’s rights and no one should be made to feel uncomfortable about it.

If it bothers you, don’t look.

July 31, 2008 | Mommy life

I woke up in a cold sweat because I realized I failed to share with you my foolproof and infallible method for choosing the right candidate to be President. After hours of arduous work to uncover the secrets and hidden agendas of the candidates, thorough research and professional investigative work (which involved my laptop, Google searches, bottles of Chardonnay and Merlot and even the champagne of beers Miller Hi life) I came up with crucial information about presidential hopefuls John McCain and Barack Obama - things that you must absolutely keep in mind when casting your vote.

The Look. I like to start with the look. Choosing a political candidate without considering his looks would be dangerously countercultural. It’s what’s on the outside that counts. So even though McCain should be beyond scrutiny because he was a prisoner of war, I read with interest information about his age and health issues, and clearly conclude that he has too many wrinkles.

On the other hand, Obama is well within the parameter of my look scrutiny and he passes with flying colors. Yes, he is after all an attractive man (minus the ears), though a bit dorky, but good looking enough that he could certainly sway my vote on election day.

The Wives. Next, I take into consideration the candidates’ wives because I know they are the ones who really make the important decisions. McCain’s wife is super human. It’s as if she came off Olympus. What’s more, she is extremely wealthy, and as my husband often reminds me, her money comes from beer, a revered beverages. Cindy McCain is also a fan of car racing. I value beauty, money and beer above all else, so she gets high marks in my book.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand, is a real person and suffers by comparison with Cindy because she possesses the human qualities that I struggle with, like a bad hair day or unflattering clothes or trying to balance job and family while her husband drags her around the country. So she is one of the girls. And she also gets a high mark in my election day book.

The Faux Pas. Because of the great privilege of being followed by the media 24/7, I get the chance to scrutinize every word out of the candidates’ mouths. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that McCain cannot be trusted with foreign policy when he jokes that ‘the only good Iranian is a dead Iranian!’, or that Obama could hardly handle domestic policies if he thinks there are ’58 states’ in the US. What if he starts concentrating on the other 8 states? I say, let’s mike them in the bathroom and I can finally get to the crucial information I need to cast my vote.

In pre-historic times, we used to judge candidates based on their opinions on the matters of the day, but thank goodness those backward days are gone. Look how much better informed we are today. Just follow my lead and forget about those trivial issues like tax cuts, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, and healthcare and you will certainly pick the best man for the job.

July 31, 2008 | Mommy life

My home town of Rome has a nice and mild climate. We usually have four seasons and no extreme weather. I never experienced a tornado until I moved to the United States. Actually, it wasn’t until I moved away from New York City and Uncle Sam started moving our family around the country to places that were prone to tornadoes, which seemed to be everywhere we moved.

Tornadoes were a foreign concept to me. The first time I heard a tornado siren on a military base I ran outside and was afraid that someone had invaded U.S. soil. My neighbor at the time explained that it was a tornado warning, and thought it was very funny that I didn’t know.

But to me, tornadoes were something out of a fantastic story like the Wizard of Oz, and only happened in far away lands like Oklahoma and Texas, maybe Kansas. I didn’t know I was going to marry a military man and actually live in those far away places, so I wasn’t aware of safety measures, sirens, or places to hide in case of a tornado.

My lack of experience, coupled with my anxious tendencies, made me extremely fearful of tornadoes. I quickly became obsessed with checking the weather channel if I knew thunderstorms were moving to our area. I forced my children to repeatedly practice getting in the bathtub, all five of us plus the two dogs and cat with their leashes to our side. The “beep beep beeeeep” followed by “a tornado warning has been issued for the following counties…” always made my heart skip a beat and sent me into a state of panic.

My husband has tried to tell me not to fear tornadoes, to take precautions but think that the chance of being in a tornado’s path is so low, and I shouldn’t obsess over it. The chances of being in a car accident are much higher. He’s right, but I’m also terrified about being in a car accident, so that didn’t help.

With my husband’s frequent deployments, I try to set a good example for my children and I decided to work on my tornado fear, because my daughters were starting to follow in their mother’s footsteps. On a day of heavy rain, I took the opportunity to get over my fear, so I took the kids to school and went about my day regardless of the weather.

I relaxed. This wasn’t so bad after all. Then, as I looked out the driver’s window, I saw in the distance what looked like a tornado. I thought that for sure it was something else. What were the chances of me trying to face my fears and actually seeing a tornado? (I momentarily forgot about Murphy’s Law).

I was shocked when a few minutes later my children’s schools called to tell me that several tornadoes had been spotted and that the kids were taking cover in the hallways but were safe.

Goodness gracious! I actually saw one of the tornadoes! I couldn’t wait to e-mail my husband and tell him that he was actually wrong, that I was right and that I saw a tornado, until I realized that he was actually right because I wasn’t in the tornado’s path, and I was still alive to e-mail him.

I began to think that maybe I wasn’t as afraid as I thought. I know what to do if there is a tornado and I follow the precautions. Perhaps my fear is more about the fact that they are unexpected and unknown. I guess they are — like many other things in life — unexpected, sometimes scary and occasionally dangerous, but all we can do is prepare and ultimately do our best.

I survived seeing a tornado. That’s a milestone for me. Will I be driving with a tornado warning? Nope, I am not that brave, but I am more comfortable with these meteorological oddities and more confident that we can face anything that comes our way.

July 26, 2008 | Weblogs, children

For some odd reason my husband and I have become obsessed with Harry Potter. I know the books and the movies have been on for a while but what can I say we work to our own beat, a slow one at times.

But now we are really into it and are in fact thinking of going to see the next Harry Potter’s movie (out in November) dressed like Harry and Hermione.

This has caught on with my kids who also seem to want to watch the movies 24/7. My D5 (daughter number 5) who is not even two years old talks about Dumbledore and Harry and Snape….I wonder if this will have some lasting damage on her little psyche…..

Expecto Petronus…….

July 25, 2008 | Mommy life, Weblogs, husband, mom

I have already established that my husband is a Ninja and possesses super-powers - so obviously women are drawn to him, which is never a good thing. Luckily, he is not a flirt but, nonetheless this situation can be rather annoying for the Ninja’s wife, a.k.a. me.

Overall, I trust my husband because death awaits him if he betrays me and because truth be told he is a really outstanding guy. But men can be weak when it comes to female attention, and the prospect of steamy sexual encounters can tempt anyone, even Ninjas.

Whenever I mention men’s weak self-control, my husband tells me that I am crazy and that I shouldn’t worry about this kind of stuff - he never does. Of course. He doesn’t have to worry about me because 1. I don’t have much adult interaction 2. I have six children ages 7 and under and 3. the only adult males I could theoretically develop a crush on are my pediatrician and ob/gyn or, maybe, just maybe a male blogger like Black Hockey Jesus (although who knows about his real name or physical appearance for that matter), but the logistics of an affair for a mom of small children are nearly impossible. Meet at the McDonald’s drive through with the kids in tow?

My sometimes obsession with this issue is partly justified because of my background. In Italy, land of pasta and passion, affairs and openly accepted and even encouraged in the macho world as some sort of recreational activity.

I have always known this - so why I am writing about this now?

I recently met a woman, a temptress, who has been way too friendly with my husband. Tall, blond, blue eyes, and with very large boobs she loves to show off - hey, even I cannot keep my eyes on her face when she is talking with those see through tank tops and perky nipples - she has been flirting quite a bit with my hubby.

Of course he tells me that I imagine things and that he hasn’t even noticed the woman’s bosom, but he does laugh while he says it. And while I know that flirting can be perfectly innocent, I think about how easy it is to get hurt by someone I love and how quickly things can change.

Which brings me to the one conclusion I always go back to. I can never be really sure of anything except for my own very large and orgasmic chocolate supply which I know will never flirt with anyone else but me.

July 19, 2008 | Uncategorized

My husband and I disagree on what I should or shouldn’t say in my column or in other areas of my life for that matter. To clarify, I write about my life not his life, but since we’re married my actions affect him.

To frame this conflict correctly, let me point out that my husband and I have opposite personalities. Of course we complement each other in a perfect way, (I being the better half or whole to be politically correct) but are nonetheless different. He’s calm, level headed, patient, and very private. I also have a temper — an Italian one — I’m impulsive, inpatient, and an open book.

I think this happens often with couples. However, I write a column and an uncensored blog full of scandalous details about my secret life as a Ninja’s wife, and my husband wants to establish some boundaries, such as telling me what I should or should not reveal. Ok, let me rephrase this: He suggests rather than tells. And to be fair, this is a very important issue not only for a writer or columnist who reveals personal things, but also for anyone who is affiliated with the military.

Military people, and specifically Ninjas like my husband, must be private. It’s part of the job. They can’t reveal certain aspects of their profession, let alone discuss missions, deployments or anything else that could endanger someone else’s life.

So when it comes to anything related to my husband’s job or specific military matters he’s absolutely correct. I cannot reveal or talk about anything specific. It’s an absolutely cut and dry issue.

But, here is the catch, when it comes to other areas of our lives, really what I write about (After all, I am a “lifestyle columnist” and crazy blogger) I’m not a cut and dry girl, more of a shades of gray type, so it’s all up for grabs. The dirtier the better.

And this is where my husband disagrees. Why air your dirty laundry? Asks the well intentioned and extremely handsome fellow to whom I’m married. Why be subject to hate e-mails or nasty comments, or worse, ridicule by people we know?

And I’m tempted to give in a little — because of his good looks and Ninja powers — but my stubbornness has the better of me. Who cares what other people think? At this point my husband or anyone else may ask, why write a column at all if you don’t care what others think? The reason: It’s awesome to be honest and to let go of all of those games and pretenses of being perfect or to be above and beyond struggles. Really who is? We all have dirty laundry, some more, some less, but it’s all the same.

When I talk about my weaknesses, also masked by my hotness and fantastic personality, people respond and share their own struggles. It makes it so much easier to go through it. And it makes my day when I get a comment form someone who says, “Hey, I also had a pregnant butt and felt terrible about it,” or “I bought McDonalds for my children too many times to count.” And as corny as it sounds, I don’t feel alone anymore.

So, if my column ever ruffles your feathers, try not to start a reply with #$%*& you — I delete these comments without reading. But if the e-mail is at least legible, you may convince me that I’m wrong and help to convert me to your particular creed or religion.

When it comes to my husband I’ll give a little. I’ll never write anything about him unless it somehow relates to me.

July 18, 2008 | Mommy life

July 16, 2008 | Uncategorized

July 13, 2008 | Uncategorized

These two products have been my constant companions for the last few weeks….